About
I am the Precocious Ragamuffin. Welcome to my realm.
This is an information page about yours truly, made necessary because I am a strange boy caught between worlds, and being misunderstood is my innate superpower.
My complexity lies within the unique combination of traits, passions, and other factors that define who I am. At times, I personify a duocorn of nuance; other times, I prove a chimera of syzygy.
Truth is often paradoxical, and opposites attract. So perhaps there is some order to my madness, bestowed upon me by an unfathomable Creator who has graciously made himself known.
My self-revelations are nothing divine. Although it has never been easy to find belonging within any community, I hold on to hope that those who have ears will no doubt be able to comprehend and, with compassion, even appreciate a boy who just wishes for genuine company and care.
1. Parented by Fire and Ice
Growing up, I suffered heavy emotional outbursts from my troubled father, while given extensive freedom from my super-chill mother. Having to bottle up pressure on one hand, but allowed to brazenly release on the other have shaped me in potent ways.
In a whole nutshell, I was both abused and spoiled, and provided no healthy guidance either way — both condemned and condoned, and left with neither the ability to build resilience, nor to practice much discipline. Passions and obsessions remain the primary drivers of my life.
The struggle continues, but with the right support, I am still able to thrive in my own way.
Check out “Three Angry Fathers” to find out more about my experiences with paternal wrath.
2. When East Meets West
After a few years of primary schooling in Taiwan, my parents moved me to Shanghai at the age of 7. There, I attended an American school and began the learning of English, until I was again relocated to Australia at the age of 11, solidifying my place as one of those weird 1.5-generation immigrants.
In other words, I had left Taiwan too early to establish deep roots with the homeland, and arrived too late to Australia for me to develop a strong sense of allegiance. Plus, I can’t fully relate to either first or second-generation immigrants, much less fit in with Aussie locals.
The limited ties to Taiwan with which I flirt also contribute little to cultural clarity, as the island itself has been a place of dispute between nosy efforts of Chinese reclamation and American intervention. Not to mention that we were historically colonised by several powers, one of which injected Dutch blood into my family line (on my dad’s side). As it stands, suffering from an identity crisis in one way or another has become quite the Taiwanese tradition.
Amid all the awkward confusion, I attempt to make the best of both worlds by balancing Western intellect, creativity, and courage with Eastern pragmatism, innovation, and common sense.
3. Congressively Proservative
As wisdom speaks, there is a time for everything. The pendulum of history swings wildly between audacious strides of progress and onerous struggles of conservation. Zealotry from either extreme leads down a dark, suffocating path; hence I remain libertarian at heart, ever vigilant against the authoritarian state over which ambitious rulers salivate, to which helpless subjects capitulate.
Taking the contentious issue of gender ideology for example…
On the surface, I may look like a non-binary person of colour ready to wave a transgender pride flag in a world of self-assigned genders and pronouns. Indeed, my progressive expressions have attracted queer men and women alike, and messed with their gaydars on more than a few occasions.
Dig a little deeper, however, and be surprised — whether pleasantly or dreadfully — by my staunch opposition against the madness of radical leftism. Indeed, my leanings toward conservative values despite my outward appearance have led to unique perspectives and subverted expectations.
I am quite capable of making friends and enemies on either side, and I can relate to a wide range of people up to a certain extent, but not without some potential discomfort and friction. But those who are curious, civil, gracious, and nuanced get the most out of my company.
Check out “Pride of the Content” to read my scrutiny of gender ideology as an androgynous boy.
4. Artsy Nerd vs. Nerdy Artist
Artists and nerds share a greater crowd than people usually account for. I exist in this very overlap, savouring intersectional media such as music, film, and the most wondrous of all: videogames.
My approach to these things is unconventional. For instance, I engage gaming with much reflection, discussing its craft with the awareness of an artist. I invite friends to nerd out in creative ways with me through the ministry of Intertain, where we utilise interactive stories and systems as a platform for meaningful dialogue and fellowship. Such activities remain largely unheard of in the church.
On the other hand, my methodology within creative pursuits is highly calculated. In producing music, for example, the editing that I perform on each track before sending it into the mix is so tedious that a sound engineer once likened it to scrubbing an entire gym with a toothbrush. My rigid, OCD-level nerdiness makes admin work out of fierce artistry, but paves the way for polished, layered results.
Embracing this two-way hybridity has its advantages. However, snobby purists of either camp have also shunned me with different strokes: artists dismissing me for not being as free-spirited as them, and nerds rejecting me for falling short of their elitist technicality.
Be that as it may, I continue to see value in occupying these crossroads. There is nothing quite like identifying links between things that seemingly haven’t much to do with each other on the surface. Akin to tying clouds together, this has become an art form in itself, one that calls for specific gifting.
Check out my MUSIC releases for songs written from my heart, produced by my sweat and tears.
Check out my INTERTAIN ministry to see how I weave together videogames, wisdom, and friendship.
5. Ragamuffin at Heart
The term “ragamuffin” describes my core spiritual identity as a child in ragged, dirty clothes.
My sweet, simple, trusting character is apparent to those whose tender presence calms my fears. Unbearable growing pains have kept me from grasping adult maturity with any sort of consistency; therefore, for better or for worse, part of me retains the nature of a vulnerable kid.
While I suffer no intellectual disabilities, my stunted development is on full display from emotional volatility to juvenile relational dynamics. Though I don’t like to admit it, in several ways I am but one typical Millennial — no doubt the most problematic generation. Nevertheless, being able to easily dive into a childlike, playful mood has empowered my creative abilities (indicated by the research paper of American psychologist Donald Wallace MacKinnon: The Identification of Creativity).
On a darker note, afflicted with a combo of brokenness and reckless curiosity has led me to pollute myself with some of the worst perversions and degeneracies known to mankind. When left to my own devices, I tend to play in the mud without restraint: my innocence twisted, my soul stained.
The one hope I have is in the Saviour who washes away my filth with his blood, providing mediation and reconciliation between me and the heavenly Father. With grace and mercy, he has adopted this troubled ragamuffin into his eternal family, while working to fix my heart and clothe me anew.
6. Fellowship of Light and Darkness
What has light got to do with darkness? I suppose in the grand scheme of things, they are indeed diametrically opposed. But even now in the darkest realms of our world, shafts of light may gently grace the corners in the presence of unsuspecting masses.
Due to my brokenness, I have long sought intimacy in unhealthy ways. Upon this precarious path, BDSM dynamics and kink have become mirrors to my soul. But it is of note that I arrived at this point mainly from my internal exploration, and not just because I frequented shady parts of the internet.
Struggling for rehabilitation, it has become apparent that God isn’t going to take away my desires; rather, he seeks to transform and redeem them. A key realisation that has aided me is in comparing BDSM practices of control and submission with biblical interactions between a benevolent master and his obedient slaves. The shared intensity and passion is something worth discussing.
Similarly, kink-based relationships more than often echo a deep yearning toward familial romance, for lack of a better phrase. There is an entire generation of lost youth searching for a “daddy” figure (or a “mommy”, in my case). If only we knew full intimacy with our heavenly Father.
These striking parallels have attracted me to brokenness via a new approach. In lieu of failed efforts of abstinence, I have been aspiring to associate with sinners as Jesus did, with the goal of cultivating genuine connection, which in turn counters some temptation. This peculiar journey is far from easy, but it has given me a glimpse into a transitory fellowship of light and darkness.
7. Alternating Social Anxieties
Human interaction certainly has its challenges for someone as eccentric and multifaceted as myself. It isn’t so much that I am hopelessly awkward, although I am not without quirks; rather, the relative calmness I display outwardly may not always reflect the struggles beneath the surface. And as usual, I am once again caught — in these cases — between several pairs of alternating anxieties.
In terms of how prominent and connected I would like to be within a community…
- I am anxious about not getting enough attention: by default, it is hard for me to fit in, so I am often wary of being neglected and feeling lonely. I want people to notice and understand me.
- I am anxious about getting too much attention: when I draw attention deliberately, I become self-conscious, especially due to my penchant for being dark and edgy, which leads to feeling embarrassed or judged. As an introvert, I also need some space to cool down at times.
In terms of reading and reacting to social cues amid the struggle to conform to culture…
- I am anxiously aware of what others may be thinking at any time, along with context and vibe; by default, I remain mindful and demure, happy to listen and to process interactive nuances.
- I am anxiously susceptible to triggers that compel me to resist traditions and established norms; when reservations crumble, I may become brash and rebellious to make a point.
In terms of navigating between the waters of empathy and the flames of confrontation…
- I recognise that facts don’t care about feelings: my steadfast logic can’t stay silent if something doesn’t add up. Unless it is obvious that a person is crazy, I am likely to confront when an issue arises that affects a relationship of worth for me. And I will be stressed out until resolution.
- I know that neither do feelings care about facts: my emotional core proves that even if facts are agreed upon, our broken desires tend to lead toward irrational paths of behaviour. Therefore, I am able to empathise with other weak souls, as long as they are honest.
In terms of seeking affirmation and encouragement as I discover my role and purpose…
- I yearn for acknowledgement for my contributions, for credit given where it’s due. Having a level of responsibility helps with belonging, but more so when my unique gifts are appreciated.
- I reject baseless flattery, which is no better than meaningless small talk; compliments lacking sober assessment leave my soul empty. Accurate rebuke humbles me; yet nothing enrages me more than false accusation, the true pinnacle of ignorant hostility. I do not take this lightly.
In all of these dilemmas, I suppose finding a delicate balance is easier said than done. My personality is distinctly polarised, and can swing from one extreme to another under certain conditions.
Being understood and accepted offers me the peace that I need to thrive. But given my complexities, there is a call for wisdom and guts for those wishing to build rapport with one as strange as myself.
8. A Taste for Eclectic Spices
Some say there is no accounting for taste… and yet here I am, ready to unpack my definitive palate.
Bearing a strong, distinct personality, it isn’t any surprise that I am fond of extremities. With music, for example, I dare wrestle with the heaviest onslaught of metallic ferocity, while also caring to chill out with the tenderest vibe of lo-fi tranquillity. My artistic appreciation stretches far and wide.
Perhaps, if there is one element that I seek in creative expression, it is contrast. Nothing excites me more than a seamless fusion of epic highs and pensive lows, of sheer brilliance and nuanced shades.
Contrast is most pronounced among true diversity. And since contemporary Christian music and art are oftentimes one-dimensional, it is my passion to glorify the Creator with a sacred eclecticism that does some justice to his unlimited imagination. Variety is the spice of life, after all, and I would strive to pour flavour unto multiple genres across several creative mediums within my purview.
Speaking of spice, my sense of humour deserves a mention. As expected, I find amusement in many forms and situations, but my sharing of extra-tasty memes has known to offend from time to time. For it was Stalin who once said, “Dark humour is like food; not everyone gets it.”
I suppose when it comes to jokes, I’ve the stomach for flaming hot dishes that invigorate the gutsiest taste buds. The potency of dark humour stems from the neurochemical reaction produced by a clash between playful levity and its sombre context; it is a spark that energises me, bestowing perspective in darkness, and sympathy in chaos. For others who lack such constitution, it sends a nasty shock.
Amid the ongoing culture war, I stand as a free speech absolutist, against the woke censorship that suffocates anything that triggers unease in modern-day Pharisees. Wielding powerful, based memes to great effect, internet warriors like me are reshaping the world one spicy jest at a time.
9. Woes of Stunted Workaholism
Work has always been weird for me. I don’t work as others do, but I have so much I want to achieve — things I consider much more important than selling my time and labour for mere monetary gain.
In essence, I am an independent artist, but certainly not a starving one. I haven’t any worldly success to speak of, nor any ambition for it. I do things mainly for self-expression and for those I care about. Praise from the masses isn’t really valuable in my eyes, nor do I need anyone’s money.
I am also a perfectionist, a very hardcore one. It is crippling, and fuels the fear of failure and endless self-doubt, leading to anxious procrastination. All these woes compounded have prevented me from ever keeping pace with our hectic world, which focuses on producing quantity over quality.
But even at a glacial speed, I am often doing something, or at least thinking about all that I call work. My mind never rests, as I claw my way upward to reach the heavens one meticulous inch at a time.
Considering how fleeting our time is on this earth, I am most grateful to be saved into inheriting life eternal by a gracious, perfect Saviour. Only he can transform my woes into blessings.
10. Which Way to Love?
I am currently seeking a second chance at love. For someone like me, it has been a wild quest.
My first marriage ended in siblingship, as May (ENTP/T8W7) turned out to be a perfect big sister. Around that time, I also met my little sister Shona (INFP/T9W1), who unlocked another side of me.
Considering that I don’t fit the mould of the typical husband, there needs to be extra emphasis and care placed on relational dynamics for a romantic bond to flourish. Of such dynamics, I have focused on exploring two configurations based on age gaps, either literal or emotional.
On one hand, I may seek to bond with a woman significantly older than me. This would conveniently plug up the mommy-shaped hole in my heart, caused by a childhood lacking in protective nurturing.
A large age gap erases confusion. I would look for a motherly figure, as distinguished from someone like May (who is only 2.5 years my senior). She would feel like the head of the house, allowing me to become the obedient little boy by her side. This would be quite comfortable, to put it bluntly.
On the other hand, I can also see myself dating a girl significantly younger than me. Being Shona’s older brother has actually revitalised my own capacity to be protective and nurturing.
Similarly, a large age gap is useful. Due to my childlikeness, girls closer to my age tend to be more capable and mature than me, which would render my presence inadequate. I hope to be motivated, stepping it up for someone vulnerable in their youth, while avoiding being overwhelmed.
At the end of the day, it is up to God to provide through his wisdom. Perhaps when I am caught between worlds, he may lead me to the perfect piece of puzzle at an unexpected intersection.
For my Daddy works in mysterious ways, especially in a strange boy’s life.